A few months back ago I wrote this as a Note here on Substack:
Remind me who thought the DM option was golden enough to be added to Substack?
Oh yeah, probably a man.
Someone who doesn’t get “hey there,” creepy DMs from random dudes after women write pieces that talk about intimacy.
And yes, you guessed it: I have a dude show up with a “not all men” garbage comment. Arghhh! My general rule with social media has been this:
Post my piece, comment or reply.
Leave.
Substack is not social media. While the DMs “feature” is a certainly a nod in that direction, I see Substack as a place of engagement, a forum to interact with others in a way that feels productive or builds community. I’m using it that way. So I post actual comments, not emojis or “love this!” as I often post in Instagram. That said, I’m not going to engage with the dick who thinks he’s proving he’s not creepy by commenting instead of DMing me. Challenging men being assholes on the internet is not a hill I’m willing to die on. Delete, block and move on.
photo credit via Murat Gun on Unsplash
I’ll save my breathe and gird my loins for any battle on the “sexual abuse never really goes away,” hill. That’s the hill I’m willing to die on.
My hill is this, honesty, as in self-reflection. And asking these questions before one speaks (which applies to, before one posts, or comments- and which is probably why I am not on social media:)
Now that I know my answers sometimes are way wide of wherever you are landing, I'll throw out a very contrary answer: I try not to die on any hills. The early years of my life were marked by a rigidity, an us vs them, a right/wrong binary, that I have tried to steer away from in the last decade. So if I'm hell-bent on something now, I ask myself why. I ask myself if there's something deeper to get in touch with and/or soften against.
That said, I think you're also touching into values (or I'm steering the convo that way!). I understand--and commend--that there are certain ways you refuse to be treated, which I am absolutely for. I guess in that arena mine is kindness. I strive to be kind to all, at least a little, though I understand that the gray area there is massive. I'll only address that by saying sometimes kindness is, as you say, not engaging with someone (which might be what they want, but will lead down destructive roads). Kindness might be a misunderstood word? It doesn't have to look like niceness, is what I mean.
Anyway, as usual, I'm still mullling. Thanks for another great question!
So interesting! Yes, I'm 100% hellbent (love this expression, thank you!) against "what's in the past is past". It's my last hill and probably won't ever be one I abandon! At the same time I get what you mean about binary thinking and its dangers, Julia. It can absolutely be isolating in its rigidity. And, I love that you're bringing us back to kindness here. Thank you.
Most of mine (and there are too many) are around education policy, so I'll spare everyone my thoughts. A silly one that I feel very strongly about is that a movie shouldn't end in a freeze frame. I cannot fully verbalize why I loathe freeze frames, but I find they cheapen the story. I believe this is because a freeze frame implies the story has ended, versus a fade-out which implies the audience won't get to see the rest of the story, but there is more story. I also think they are cheesy. The irony of this take is that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller's Day Off--which ends in a freeze frame. To be fair to Hughes, Ferris Bueller's Day Off should have a cheesy ending. It is the only movie that gets a pass from me.
I am almost embarrassed to say that I don't think I've noticed this! But I totally can see what you're saying, Gloria. Thanks for chiming in. And let's talk education policy at some point ;-)
From a reader who replied to me via email:
My hill is this, honesty, as in self-reflection. And asking these questions before one speaks (which applies to, before one posts, or comments- and which is probably why I am not on social media:)
Ask:
1) Is it true?
2) Is it kind?
3) Is it necessary?
and, perhaps my favorite...
4) Does it improve upon the silence? (!)
Now that I know my answers sometimes are way wide of wherever you are landing, I'll throw out a very contrary answer: I try not to die on any hills. The early years of my life were marked by a rigidity, an us vs them, a right/wrong binary, that I have tried to steer away from in the last decade. So if I'm hell-bent on something now, I ask myself why. I ask myself if there's something deeper to get in touch with and/or soften against.
That said, I think you're also touching into values (or I'm steering the convo that way!). I understand--and commend--that there are certain ways you refuse to be treated, which I am absolutely for. I guess in that arena mine is kindness. I strive to be kind to all, at least a little, though I understand that the gray area there is massive. I'll only address that by saying sometimes kindness is, as you say, not engaging with someone (which might be what they want, but will lead down destructive roads). Kindness might be a misunderstood word? It doesn't have to look like niceness, is what I mean.
Anyway, as usual, I'm still mullling. Thanks for another great question!
So interesting! Yes, I'm 100% hellbent (love this expression, thank you!) against "what's in the past is past". It's my last hill and probably won't ever be one I abandon! At the same time I get what you mean about binary thinking and its dangers, Julia. It can absolutely be isolating in its rigidity. And, I love that you're bringing us back to kindness here. Thank you.
Most of mine (and there are too many) are around education policy, so I'll spare everyone my thoughts. A silly one that I feel very strongly about is that a movie shouldn't end in a freeze frame. I cannot fully verbalize why I loathe freeze frames, but I find they cheapen the story. I believe this is because a freeze frame implies the story has ended, versus a fade-out which implies the audience won't get to see the rest of the story, but there is more story. I also think they are cheesy. The irony of this take is that my favorite movie is Ferris Bueller's Day Off--which ends in a freeze frame. To be fair to Hughes, Ferris Bueller's Day Off should have a cheesy ending. It is the only movie that gets a pass from me.
I fully support this hill!!!
THANK YOU! My husband makes fun of me because of my very strong stance on freeze frames!
I am almost embarrassed to say that I don't think I've noticed this! But I totally can see what you're saying, Gloria. Thanks for chiming in. And let's talk education policy at some point ;-)