When I wanted to get some ideas about what love looks like, I started with the opposite.
Jealousy, Control, Intolerance, Negativity and Perfectionism are six Relationship Red Flags. Relationship Red Flags are the warning signs an abusive person gives off. These six are the ones that stand on their own footing i.e.I say “jealousy” and you understand what that means.
So from that lens, what would love in action look like? What’s would the opposite of “intolerance” or “control” look like for example? And really, I mean any kind of love: romantic love, platonic love, family love, whatever. Love doesn’t always look like hearts or roses. Sometimes it looks simpler and non-fancy.
waking up in the middle of the night with you, for you
cooking you dinner
a head scratch, back rub, foot massage
saying “I’m thinking about you,”
bringing you a coffee or lunch
trusting your judgment
a remembered birthday or other important day
a note in a lunch sack
offering grace about a misunderstanding
a child reaching for your hand
a handwritten letter
a text asking if you slept well
listening to your ideas or dreams
confiding a worry, fear or vulnerability
encouragement to take the trip or go for the job
words of support
a handmade gift
What do you think? What does love look like to you?
I love this question. I think about this a lot because my husband comes from a family that is very outward in expressing love. As a contrast, my dad didn't start saying "I love you" to my sisters and me until my mom got really sick with cancer. Love looked like home-cooked meals and loud boisterous discussions over the dinner table during my childhood. Between my husband and myself (and hopefully our son feels this, too), it's the unconditional support of dreams. My husband has always supported my writing and career aspirations (he's the reason I sent out my novel which was eventually published), and I moved to another state and spent many weekends on my own and eventually with our son to support his dreams, and we would both do the same for our son.
I appreciate how you compare and contrast your family of origin with your husband’s and bring in examples of how y’all have melded those histories into your current life, Gloria. Lots of riches here. Thank you for sharing!
I am that one that had to learn what love is. I used love chocolate. I now know I enjoy chocolate.
I grew up not hearing ' I love you. My parents took care of me. When my Mom read me a book, we went to the beach, brought me new shoes, reprimanded me. I considered, that was love.
Until.....
I was in an intimate relationship. Everytime we departed he would say " I love you". I had to get use to that. I even try to get by with, not saying it back. It just made him vulnerable. I was the worst person in the world for not saying I love you back. He did his best, making me feel guilty. I took note that it was important to him. He made me obligated to return those words. My change of heart was very genuine. I was in a intimate relationship. This was the beginning of a loyal friendship. I always wanted a lover, friend. I started to notice that he liked what I liked. I found my soulmate.
If he kept his word or not he was the one that said 'I Love you' Everytime! ( He abused three beautiful words).
I do not have any regret in loving him. I regret ignoring that He was a red flag!
Oh, gosh, yes! It's so common to have to learn what love is. Some of us really missed that in our family of origin. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us. I appreciate your vulnerability, Tracee. <3
My cat opting to spend the day napping in my office while I work. My husband always holding space for the best of me even when I can’t cuz I am at my worst. Your post made me think of the non-grand gestures that spell out love.
Gah.... the "non-grand gestures that spell out love," - I want to share that phrase from rooftops, Diahann! Thank you for giving us that label and your beautiful examples.
Love … complex yet so simple. Love is a shared feeling. I text my four grown children every night before bedtime and tell them how much I love them. It’s important for them to know they have an unconditional love everyday. I tell my friends I love them. I grew up with a Scottish Mother. She loved me deeply , but it’s not a mushy culture! I guess I tend to go overboard. I like to show love by doing things my love ones enjoy! Food, surprises, and calls. Hugs, touch all can express love. It can change somebody’s day. I think love is a quiet gift you give and you should include self love as well. Self love is sometimes difficult, but very important . Love is much easier than hate.
Oh June! How sweet that you text your grown-up kids "I love you" every night. And I agree: a simple act of love can change someone's day. Good reminder for all of us!
I love this question. I think about this a lot because my husband comes from a family that is very outward in expressing love. As a contrast, my dad didn't start saying "I love you" to my sisters and me until my mom got really sick with cancer. Love looked like home-cooked meals and loud boisterous discussions over the dinner table during my childhood. Between my husband and myself (and hopefully our son feels this, too), it's the unconditional support of dreams. My husband has always supported my writing and career aspirations (he's the reason I sent out my novel which was eventually published), and I moved to another state and spent many weekends on my own and eventually with our son to support his dreams, and we would both do the same for our son.
I appreciate how you compare and contrast your family of origin with your husband’s and bring in examples of how y’all have melded those histories into your current life, Gloria. Lots of riches here. Thank you for sharing!
I have a lot of thoughts on this topic.
I am that one that had to learn what love is. I used love chocolate. I now know I enjoy chocolate.
I grew up not hearing ' I love you. My parents took care of me. When my Mom read me a book, we went to the beach, brought me new shoes, reprimanded me. I considered, that was love.
Until.....
I was in an intimate relationship. Everytime we departed he would say " I love you". I had to get use to that. I even try to get by with, not saying it back. It just made him vulnerable. I was the worst person in the world for not saying I love you back. He did his best, making me feel guilty. I took note that it was important to him. He made me obligated to return those words. My change of heart was very genuine. I was in a intimate relationship. This was the beginning of a loyal friendship. I always wanted a lover, friend. I started to notice that he liked what I liked. I found my soulmate.
If he kept his word or not he was the one that said 'I Love you' Everytime! ( He abused three beautiful words).
I do not have any regret in loving him. I regret ignoring that He was a red flag!
Oh, gosh, yes! It's so common to have to learn what love is. Some of us really missed that in our family of origin. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us. I appreciate your vulnerability, Tracee. <3
My dad is not big on the words "I love you," but he sends me a "good morning" and a "good night" text every single day.
Another very sweet example. Thanks Larissa!
My cat opting to spend the day napping in my office while I work. My husband always holding space for the best of me even when I can’t cuz I am at my worst. Your post made me think of the non-grand gestures that spell out love.
Gah.... the "non-grand gestures that spell out love," - I want to share that phrase from rooftops, Diahann! Thank you for giving us that label and your beautiful examples.
Love … complex yet so simple. Love is a shared feeling. I text my four grown children every night before bedtime and tell them how much I love them. It’s important for them to know they have an unconditional love everyday. I tell my friends I love them. I grew up with a Scottish Mother. She loved me deeply , but it’s not a mushy culture! I guess I tend to go overboard. I like to show love by doing things my love ones enjoy! Food, surprises, and calls. Hugs, touch all can express love. It can change somebody’s day. I think love is a quiet gift you give and you should include self love as well. Self love is sometimes difficult, but very important . Love is much easier than hate.
Oh June! How sweet that you text your grown-up kids "I love you" every night. And I agree: a simple act of love can change someone's day. Good reminder for all of us!