It took me well over a week to shed my jet lag when I first arrived in Berlin. “Why is this taking so long?” I lamented. I could blame one night on a 3:30 pm cold brew from the Dunkin’ at Friedrichstrasse S-Bahn. A New Englander at heart, it is hard to say "no" to the pink neon and ice. Another night, my mind was marathoning my husband's worry that the new tenants might not like our house. I had vetted this couple hard and still, anxiety won out. I fell asleep close to 1:00 am. Other than perimenopause which clangs my bell whenever it can, I have no idea what culprit I can blame.
Issues of sleeplessness (both in terms of quality and quantity of sleep) are generally worse for abuse survivors, which I am. Normally reliable senses become dulled as the day draws to a close so even the familiar becomes unsettling. The noise of a perpetually creaky stair feels ominous. We can’t see around a corner or into a dark room. At the same time something different - a new detergent or a scratchy blanket- can trigger or distract our exhausted minds. We are simply more vulnerable at night.
Sometimes our abuse happened in the dark. One ice-clenched January when I was in my late twenties my ex-partner came home drunk after midnight. I remember thinking it might be better if I wasn't in our bedroom. I hid behind a curtain of dressy suits and vintage jackets. Of course it didn't matter. Good choices, though, can be hard when we're tired and scared. What to do when a babysitter is where they shouldn’t be. Or a camp counselor we flirted with suddenly appears at our bed. Closet? Or bedroom?
I do engage in pre-emptive, “sleep hygiene” measures: eye mask, dark + cool room, minimal caffeine after 2:00 pm (usually!), walking and exercise during daylight hours, generally no screens for an hour before bed, reading and journaling right before I switch my light off. But when I get to that hollow place, there’s nothing I can do right. I may recite my gratitudes or go to the bathroom (again). Get a drink of water. Pray.
What do you do? Count sheep? Wake up your dog or partner and then feign cluelessness? Get up? What do you do when you can’t sleep?
I try not to make myself feel too bad about it. Just like life, there are good days and there are not so good days. Sometimes I sleep through the night and sometimes I don’t. I remind myself that I’m safe and I’ll be ok. I might need to take it easier on myself that day or make sure to rest when I’m tired later or give myself grace and compassion when I have short fuse (bc of little sleep). I remind myself that it won’t always be like this and let it go, it is a lesson in releasing perfection and accepting what is. Sometimes I can make it back to sleep and sometimes I can’t. Trying to embrace the flow state and adjust my perspective along the way.
Ah, there are indeed good days and bad days, even (especially?) with sleep. Reminding ourselves that we are safe and will be ok can be so powerful, Holly. Thanks for this, Holly. <3
I have very many restless nights. One thought leads to another crazy thought. Sometimes it might end up being about a dress or pair of shoes I had as a child. I have several techniques I use. Number one is pray, number two is to tense your entire body and then start at your feet and relax each part of your body all the way to your face. I do this three or four times. My other go to is breathing, five breaths in, hold for seven and then blow out for ten. These normally work unless I am super stressed. The imagine runs wild when you are exhausted!
Ooooh, June! Good suggestions. I haven't tried tensing the tensing of the body one. I need to remember that next time! Thanks for chiming in. Hugs to you! <3
I like to walk barefoot in my backyard. A wise lady once told me that my restlessness was due to the lack of connection with my Made Tierra. I thought it was ridiculous at the time but there is something very calming for me about making physical contact with the earth. When I am most stressed, I take a break and pull weeds from my garden or stop a a park on my way home from work and sit on the ground for a few minutes to decompress.
Walking barefoot *is* calming, Amy. Totally agree! I can't see myself doing this at 2:00 am BUT will definitely try during daylight hours. So glad you shared this one! <3
I try not to make myself feel too bad about it. Just like life, there are good days and there are not so good days. Sometimes I sleep through the night and sometimes I don’t. I remind myself that I’m safe and I’ll be ok. I might need to take it easier on myself that day or make sure to rest when I’m tired later or give myself grace and compassion when I have short fuse (bc of little sleep). I remind myself that it won’t always be like this and let it go, it is a lesson in releasing perfection and accepting what is. Sometimes I can make it back to sleep and sometimes I can’t. Trying to embrace the flow state and adjust my perspective along the way.
Ah, there are indeed good days and bad days, even (especially?) with sleep. Reminding ourselves that we are safe and will be ok can be so powerful, Holly. Thanks for this, Holly. <3
I just love this. Thanks for these reminders.
Thank you for reading! :-)
I have very many restless nights. One thought leads to another crazy thought. Sometimes it might end up being about a dress or pair of shoes I had as a child. I have several techniques I use. Number one is pray, number two is to tense your entire body and then start at your feet and relax each part of your body all the way to your face. I do this three or four times. My other go to is breathing, five breaths in, hold for seven and then blow out for ten. These normally work unless I am super stressed. The imagine runs wild when you are exhausted!
Ooooh, June! Good suggestions. I haven't tried tensing the tensing of the body one. I need to remember that next time! Thanks for chiming in. Hugs to you! <3
I like to walk barefoot in my backyard. A wise lady once told me that my restlessness was due to the lack of connection with my Made Tierra. I thought it was ridiculous at the time but there is something very calming for me about making physical contact with the earth. When I am most stressed, I take a break and pull weeds from my garden or stop a a park on my way home from work and sit on the ground for a few minutes to decompress.
Walking barefoot *is* calming, Amy. Totally agree! I can't see myself doing this at 2:00 am BUT will definitely try during daylight hours. So glad you shared this one! <3