When you ask, “how do people afford it?” after I post about the fundraiser I’m doing for a family, that hurts.
When you ask, “why did you do that?” after I make a mistake, that hurts.
When you ask, “do you really need THAT?” to someone who “chooses” something other than what you would choose, that hurts.
Remember that scene in Ocean's 11 when Terry (Andy Garcia) tells Tess (Julia Roberts) that in his hotels someone is always watching? Even asking rhetorical questions ("Who would do this?") can hurt because someone is always listening. The rhetorical question is often used a bit of sideshow magic: you're hoping someone sees, listens, acts. Even the phrase, “just asking questions,” hurts. Because you’re never just asking. You’re sharing your agenda. You’re showing your bias. You’re issuing a judgement.
photo of Tess (Julia Roberts) from Ocean’s Eleven
When I was training volunteers to work on a domestic violence hotline, I taught this rule: ask the question only when the answer can serve the person responding. I emphasized this because any question that is more centered on you than the other person increases the potential to harm. Questions asked with kindness, in service or with considered thought, in contrast, build trust.
Wow. This message is a small one, and it is hugely important. Thanks for sharing, for framing up something I never was able to exactly understand/identify!
Wow. This message is a small one, and it is hugely important. Thanks for sharing, for framing up something I never was able to exactly understand/identify!
Thank you Julia!
Love this. I cut and pasted that last part and put it in my wisdom list to refer back to.
That's an honor! Thank you, Anne.