The 1 Thing You Can Do To Get People to Change
What’s the one thing you can do to get people to change? I’m talking about anyone, of any background, who actually wants to change. (Their…
It’s easier than you think.
What’s the one thing you can do to get people to change? I’m talking about anyone, of any background, who actually wants to change. (Their desire to do so is the starting point, of course.) But after that, what can you do?
Lead with empathy.
If you really want someone to change, always lead your words (and subsequent actions) from a place of empathy.
You do this by being with someone in a compassionate, unhurried way with both of you communicating as equals. That’s active listening. If empathy is the car, active listening skills are the driver. Active listening is an engaged practice where you mindfully pay attention to someone with your whole body, listening for feelings and then reflecting back what you hear. There is never probing, judging or guilting. There is normalizing, (“many women feel that way,”) and a dialogue that both people feel part of; no one is an expert.
What do Michel Martin, Bill Clinton and Oprah have in common? They’re all exceptional active listeners. They never ask “yes/no” questions that can not only shut conversations down but also put the asker in a greater position of power, never a good thing. When Michel, Bill or Oprah are talking to you, you feel like the only one in the room. They get that it’s not important to understand the problem but that they simply need to be willing to get into conversation, into the slowness and uncertainty that comes with focusing compassionately on someone else. That’s leading with empathy.
Physical space also plays an important role when you lead with empathy. Barriers like desks or podiums set up physical divides which reinforce negative power dynamics, often leading to an emotional disconnect. Where’s Oprah’s body when she’s talking to her guests? Seated, eye level next to her guest. Whether goal-setting or processing past abuse, my clients are seated close enough for me to reach out and touch but far enough away to give them personal space. I usually have an essential oil diffuser running and indirect lighting in the background. Little touches go a long way even before the active listening starts.
Once you start leading with empathy, it’s a lot easier to remember why you’re doing what you do in the first place. Service. Because helping people change isn’t about you; it’s about them. That can get lost easily when you push, coerce, bribe, or shame in attempts to change someone. Punishments never succeed because they are about you wanting to feel better by doing something. Leading with empathy automatically shifts your actions into being about the other person.
Sometimes, it seems like people will never change. That makes it all the more important to lead with empathy. Next time, show up, sit down and open your mouth to listen.
Elizabeth M. Johnson MA is a writer and podcaster based in Durham, North Carolina. She writes about trauma, relationships and how we make decisions. Sign up for her Substack here or be social @EMJWriting.