Risky Business
Asking for help and why it matters.
Almost a year ago, my friend Larissa Parson and I finalized our plans for a podcast. A riff on the verb "undermine", Wondermine looks at big questions on a small scale. What would it be like to meet ourselves, our body, each other with curiosity instead of judgement or shame? To consider whether any of us is really free if some of us are strapped down. The response was enthusiastic. We decided to do a second season and launch a Patreon. A Patreon is a website that provides the programming to support someone's creation- novel, doodles, podcast - though donations. Before we see money, however, there is the ask.
An ask requires a great deal of both the asker and the recipient. At its core, an ask is a need uttered to someone so that they might support you. It is both a question ("will you help?") and a statement, ("I can't do this by myself."). Because an ask is such a deliberate reveal, it requires humility and a girding of the loins. An ask also demands pre-work: consideration ("are they in a place to help?") and intentionality ("do they have capacity for this?"). An ask may force us to consider our why. We don't ever have explain ourselves to anyone but we may get closer to our need if we do. All of this before the words even leave our mouth! Is it no wonder that we ask for so little?
Recently, I read something by Tara McMullin that struck a nerve. When McMullin went back to seeing her therapist, her goal was to work on her sense of self. She no longer understood who she was. A multi-talented entrepreneur, McMullin's words made me wonder about the circumstances of life that allowed her, a privileged white woman, to lose track of who she was?
An ask can also be a declaration. A way to illustrate to ourselves and others who we are and who we want to be in the world. An ask is something we're not supposed to do: admit a desire for more. Unchecked and un-shamed. An ask is an avenue for our appetites.
Even with a therapist though --someone you are paying to believe and support you --an ask is a vulnerable act. It's an admission of a need. That alone makes it not only hard but unpopular since we've been conditioned to self-reliance. "I should be doing ___ on my own. I should be able to figure it out." This hyper individualism is a mindset we don't recognize as risky until we're burned out and headed to a professional.
An ask is risky. It assumes familiarity, a familiarity that the recipient might not feel is warranted. We've all been in that place of being asked for something from someone we don't know well. It's awkward and the risk may stunt the relationship. But asking is also a risk because you've shown your cards. Exposing yourself in this revealing of a way is a vulnerable act. Vulnerability can be scary for trauma survivors because unguardedness can invite danger.
But what if asking is part of the answer? Not asking certainly contributes to burn-out and exhaustion but what if our un-ask(s) is part of what causes us to lose sight of ourselves?
There's a reason that it feels so good to be listened to and heard. Feeling understood actually tracks in areas of our brain associated with reward and social connection, researchers involved in one study found. Being with you literally lights me up. One study is of course only one study. But this 2014 finding is unsurprising given the existing body of evidence to support the idea (see the work of Dr Bruce Perry and others) that we are wired for connection.
We also learn a great deal about ourselves based on how others see us. That's part of the reason gurus tell us to surround ourselves with people who make us better or are (even!) smarter than we are. This doesn't mean that we are shapeless and impressionable but more that others help us build a sense of who we are. They affirm, empathize, offer kindness but they also question, push back and re-state. An ask can serve to support this expansion of our self.
When we feel understood, we realize we're not alone, that it's not us. With your words of affirmation, I'm no longer an island unto myself. But it's more than that. Like receiving, asking is also a way to deepen a relationship. It's a way for someone else to plant a stake in our lives, in an invited, consensual way. Asking allows someone to come along, affirming their meaning to us and providing us with the light of their presence along the way.
Restaurants know what we don't. Tables aren't intended for one.
Life is better with someone else along. Two people who enjoy each others company will eat, drink and talk for a few hours at least. One person who sits by herself with a book and her phone has only...herself. There is no discovery, laughter, familiarity or shared pleasure. There is no learning about one's self, validation or found meaning. We are a social species unnecessarily anguished when we lumber along alone. Asking is risky but it's a smart risk. Although it's not what we are conditioned to do; it is what we are conditioned for.
With Wondermine and in my own life I believe that we're on this moving, bumpy sidewalk together. And I don't want to ever do it alone.
If you value any of the ideas I share here, then I ask you to support my work through Wondermine's Patreon. There's the usual bonuses and fun stuff (virtual book club!) but more than that, there's a blooming community of like-minded people and ideas for engaging in your world in a different way. Thank you for being part of my journey.
What’s On My Mind:
Here in Durham, my lilacs are opening. But branches that have offered blooms in the past have buds that don’t look ready. I have 1/3 as many as I had last summer. What’s that all about? Any lilac docs out there?
“When language can lift the veil, we can see each other.” If you haven’t had the pleasure of knowing Ocean Vuong’s work, either his poetry or his 2019 book, _On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous_, check out this mini video of Vuong talking about the loss of his mother, grief and reclaiming joy through language. It’s tender and powerful all at once. Can’t stop thinking about this.
“90% of US counties lack a clinic that offers abortions.” No matter how privileged you are, or where you live, everyone should read this remarkable piece this piece on the deterioration of our constitutionally granted right to an abortion and what some people have been quietly doing all along.
Take good care of your self and see you in two weeks.