It’s Not People-Pleasing! It’s Patriarchy.
The REAL reason for all your yeses and no’s.
The REAL reason for all your yeses and no’s.
Quick quiz! Why do you say “yes” so much? Which answer in the picture above is the most accurate for you? A, B,C, D, or E?
The answer you choose tells me a lot about you. But those things may not be what you think. While there are no wrong answers to this question (only your beliefs about your own actions), there is a most accurate answer. An answer that is actually true for all of us. But before we get there, what answer did you choose?
Did you choose “d: all of the above”? This is the choice that most women respond with. If you did, too, you are in very good company. And “d” is not the most accurate answer. The most accurate answer is actually “e: none of the above”. None of the above.
Before I get into why, I want you to imagine “yes” as a lasagna. That’s right, a lasagna. Can you picture it? A “yes” is a lasagna.
When’s the last time you made a lasagna? I made one a few weeks back and they are no joke! At minimum, you need lasagna noodles, tomato sauce, and a cheese mix (mozzarella, parmesan, ricotta etc). But tomato sauce is made up of other ingredients: tomatoes, olive oil, tomato paste, onion, etc. There’s a few ingredients in the cheese blend too. Lasagna noodles, too, are not single ingredient; they’re made with water, salt, flour. So whether you buy all the ingredients or make some/all yourself, there is a lot going into a lasagna.
Now imagine the ingredients in lasagna as factors that influence your “yes”.
Tomato sauce is your lived history. It includes your work experience, religious beliefs, trauma history, family background and other personal experiences.
The cheese blend is white supremacist, capitalist patriarchy. The “interlocking systems of domination…that define our reality,” as bell hooks says.
Lasagna noodles are your community. Family, friends, colleagues and family of origin but also your social media connections, child’s school, neighbors and church folk.
There can be other factors that influence your “yes” (intuition or personal values for example). But they are basil or a veggie or meat mix: an occasional extra ingredient. They are not an ingredient in every lasagna.
So while you may have said “d: all of the above”, “e: none of the above” is the most accurate reason for all those yeses. There is no single reason for any “yes”. Your “yes” is a lasagna and there’s a lot that goes into a lasagna.
Have you ever had the thought: “I’m not supposed to be here,”?
That maybe you’re in the wrong place as you head into a job interview, show up at a support group or do a live event? Or when you give a presentation, go on an audition or show up for the first day on a new job.
And so it goes…
“This isn’t for people like me…”
“They’re going to find me out…”
“Who am I to ……?”
These phrases are hallmark imposter syndrome thinking. You feel like you don’t belong. …which makes you believe there is something wrong with you. Ever been there before? (← — — — — I have.)
But here’s a secret:
There is nothing wrong with YOU. The wrong lies in the world around you.
I know that seems bonkers.
Like I’m passing blame instead of pushing you to pull your damn bootstraps and suck it up already! Here’s the thing: you can tug all you want on your bootstraps and it might not make any difference. That’s not an indicator of your worthiness. It’s not a personal failure. That’s exactly the way a capitalist system is designed; some win and some lose.
So pushing through, working harder, going it alone— — none of that is the answer. The systems that you live, work, love and play under are not set up for you. Each of the systems (patriarchy, white supremacy, capitalism) were designed by white men in cis-het relationships to work and benefit them. So, when you think about that imposter syndrome phrase “I’m not supposed to be here,”, there’s some truth to that. You aren’t supposed to be here.
But. But. When you figure out the system is not designed to work for you, you figure out a way to work the system. This means that once you understand that you’re not supposed to be here, that you aren’t supposed to thrive — for some, survive** — you are liberated to think differently. Here’s what that can look like:
Control What You Can. Remember the lasagna! The basic lasagna has an ingredient you can influence: community (lasagna noodles).
Community is everyone in your circle: your right people but also colleagues, family, professional associations, social media contacts, child’s circle, neighbors, etc. Obviously you cannot control every aspect of community. But you can do things like Marie Kondo the people in these groups as much as you can. Keep the joy sparkers! Mute, unfriend, unfollow, limited contact with the ones who don’t bring richness, compassion, humor and whatever else you need.
But you can also choose to add ingredients to your lasagna. Things like intuition, personal values, boundaries. These are not part of every “yes” but they are ingredients that you have control over and can bring in more of. And you’ll want to because they are not only part of your gifts, they are specific to you and relevant for your needs. So you can do things like:
define and engage your personal values;
listen for and act on your intuition (gut instinct);
use vulnerability statements to test people, build trust and strengthen your relationships with your community;
identify your talents and skills, use them to their maximum potential and be able to communicate to others what they are.
#2: Invest in What Feeds You.
There is a lot that doesn’t feed you.The systems of oppression that you live under, sometimes your job, relationships that you cannot abandon or quit. Things like the hustle, the relentless grind toward increased productivity, the increasingly medicalization of your health and wellness. Diet and fitness culture. You can never be fed by a culture that pushes all the wrong stuff on you. Instead, identify what does feed you and seek that out with intention.
Set the timer on your phone for two minutes and write down all the things that feed you. I think of“things that feed you” as things that feel pleasurable or you lose time doing. Anything goes! Here are a few that participants in a recent webinar came up with: baking cakes, creating homemade cards, massage, watercoloring, homemade shower bursts, afternoon naps, using essential oils, a really good meal, hot baths, walks in the woods, sex, weight training, podcasts, brushing/petting/walking the dog, writing letters, bringing dinner or coffee to someone.
Start to channel energy, money, support and resources into this list. Treat it with care and take it seriously. Anything on that list, big or small, fills your bucket in a society which would much rather use you as a bucket.
#3: Live in the Grey.
The world wants you to live in black and white.
Democrat or Republican
Remote learning or in-person
Thin or fat
Black and white (either/or) thinking is a product of white supremacy. It creates conflict and builds a sense of urgency where there doesn’t need to be one. (h/t to Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun for their thinking here.) You feel like you have to take a side because everyone else has!
The grey area reminds you that there are seldom only two sides because people are not all alike. You define and identify with certain things over others based on the lasagna ingredients: your lived history, white supremacist capitalist patriarchy and your community. This includes even basic concepts like safety. If you’re white and well resourced, for example, safety might mean the police on speed dial when you hear a loud party. If you’re BIPOC, safety can mean not calling the police.
Living in the grey area dictates there are no absolute truths that are always true for absolutely everybody, all the time. But also that while it is uncomfortable, you are capable of holding multiple truths.
“I believe in public schools and my district is failing my child.”
“I’m a good mom who is forced to make hard, impossible choices now.”
“I believe in taking a knee and consider myself a patriot.”
Your “yes” is a lasagna. Influenced by the systems that you live under, but also your trauma history and community.
If you over-commit, it’s not your fault.
If FOMO tends to take over and you just can’t seem to kick it, it’s not your fault.
If you agree just to keep the peace or out of guilt, it’s not your fault.
But when you figure out the system is not designed to work for you, you figure out a way to work the system. You…Control What You Can, Invest in What Feeds You and Live in The Grey.
In taking these steps, you not only move away from the culture that’s failing you but toward like-minded others. You need others. Cultural and societal change happen when others come along too. And when like-minded others do show up, embrace them. Invite them in. So you can tackle systemic issues together, working toward a future that’s the opposite of that toxic individualism that is slowly killing all of us. A future that doesn’t leave anyone behind.
Our struggles are particular but we are not alone. What we must do is commit ourselves to some future that can include each other. And work toward that future with the particular strength of our individual identities. — Audre Lorde
Elizabeth M. Johnson MA is a writer and podcaster based in Durham, North Carolina. She writes about trauma, relationships and how we make decisions. Sign up for her Substack here or be social @EMJWriting.
* “You” here means assigned female at birth people, people of color and/or people with identities that are often marginalized by society such as differently abled people or LGBTQ+ folk.
** I use “survive” here to refer to the intended extermination of groups like our Native American population (see US history on “The Indian Problem”) but also through the forced sterilization of certain groups, including those with developmental disabilities. These are just two examples of how groups outside the mainstream were dealt with in order for “normal” cis-het white men to remain in power.