How to Set Sticky Boundaries
…or the practical tips you need for your words to be respected.
…or the practical tips you need for your words to be respected.
A client of mine once said, “we need to train people” on how we want to be treated. In our conversation, I had said “teach people,” but she felt how people treat you is not a negotiation. I’m still thinking on the idea of “train” vs “teach”. But I do believe that you need to train people on sticky boundaries.
If you’re reading this, you may already struggle with boundaries. You’re not alone. I work with survivors of inter-personal trauma like sexual abuse. They often struggle with boundaries. It’s hard to find and set sticky boundaries after your boundaries were crossed, whether as a child or an adult. It’s also hard to find and set sticky boundaries if you were never taught. And survivor or not, growing up most of us were not taught about boundaries other than perhaps the myth of stranger danger. We also might not have had boundaries rolemodeled for us in our family…or by anyone.
But I’m a believer in never-too-late. Maybe you are too? I’ve seen so many adults learn the thing that were never taught as a child. How to negotiate. How to sniff out a predator. How to advocate for their kids, even though their own parents threw them to the wolves. No reason sticky boundaries can’t be learned too.
Until Covid, I had been leading in-person peer support groups for sexual abuse survivors for almost five years. Before that I led domestic violence and sexual assault support groups through a local non-profit. Women came to both groups, anytime they were offered. One session with sticky boundaries as our topic, I was delighted to hear “C” speak up. (And if you’re waiting for the “sticky boundaries” definition, stay with me, it’s coming!) C was someone who had come to groups many times. Tonight, however, C shared a story:
“I had struggled to get my ex-partner out of my house for over a year. He had been emotionally manipulative for years and although our relationship was over, I could not get him to leave! My therapist and I had talked about this for months. Nothing had changed.
One week, when our topic at support group was boundaries, I shared my boundary around this guy and that it wasn’t being respected. Elizabeth stopped what we were doing. Together, we tweaked the language. I practiced saying it in front of the group. I made a plan when I was going to say it. I practiced at home before I needed to say it. The day arrived. I spoke the boundary to him. He was upset and tried to talk to me about it. I repeated it, just like we had practiced in group. He kept trying to engage with me. I repeated it one more time and then I walked away. He ended up packing and leaving by the deadline I had given him in my boundary.”
What worked for “C”? What was different from the first version of her boundary to the second? Let’s break it down.
But first, what are sticky boundaries? Sticky boundaries (it’s not “good boundaries”, by the way, a boundary that is sticky is good) are clear, firm statements that tell people how you need to be treated. They are what you expect from someone. They are non-negotiable, consistent and stated firmly.
“I love you (brother/sister/parent) and I can’t allow you in our home anymore.”
“I don’t want to have sex when I’m on my period.”
“I need to maintain my regular 7:00 am walk schedule.”
Can you see the common threads in each? Present, not past, tense. The time is now. The subject is “I”, “me” or “my”. Each sentence is short, no extra words. The words are carefully chosen, clear and unambiguous.
Here’s C’s initial boundary:
“We aren’t a couple anymore, right? You need to leave because you living in my house isn’t working for me anymore,”
Boundaries don’t:
…contain questions or inquiries. They don’t ever contain a ?
…emphasize the other person, “you”. You (the person reading this article) are the subject.
…feel out or offer confirmation of what’s known. Boundaries are never negotiations.
…ramble on, trying to make a case They are short and tight.
…speak generally. They are specific to the speaker.
Here’s the revised version C used:
“I need you to leave my house by 1:00 today or I will call the police to remove you.”
Bang! Powerful, right? Let’s look carefully at what worked.
Concise and clear language. C made herself the subject (“I need…I am…”) While the sentence is long, it does not contain extra words. It’s also long because of …
A deadline! Deadlines aren’t necessary but they can help. And C’s use of a deadline (“by 1:00 today,”) helped underscore the seriousness of her words.
C was confident with the boundary. She wrote it down in group. She practiced it at group and at home. By the time C needed the boundary, it rolled off her tongue.
C had a plan. She knew exactly when she was going to use the boundary. C wasn’t trying to come up with the right language when she was upset or feeling pressured.
Finally, it worked because C had the support of her right people cheering her on.
I often hear “so-and-so didn’t respect my boundary,”. So what can you do if someone violates one of your boundaries? Two choices:
1) Point Out Their Mistake. You will want to do this if it is one of your right people who pushed your boundary. You give your right people the benefit of the doubt because they are your people. They have proved themselves trustworthy in the past. Maybe a mistake was made? If you decide to point out the mistake to one of your right people, they will apologize. (That’s why they are your right people!) When they do, your trust in them as one of your right people is confirmed and your confidence in yourself soars.
2) Repeat Your Boundary. If it’s anyone other than your right people pushing your boundary, you can repeat back the same boundary (as C did). But after that, you walk. You don’t engage. Personal safety experts will tell you that you don’t engage stalkers. You tell them once you don’t want to see them. A stalker can’t engage with you if you aren’t talking or otherwise involved with them. Boundaries follow the same concept. You can repeat the exact words of your boundary, as C did, but then you walk away. You move away from the person. You don’t move your boundary.
Your boundaries aren’t conversations. And they are never negotiations. But some people will attempt to use them that way. They will see your boundary as a starting point to get what they want from you. Don’t let them! If a boundary is violated, choose your option: Point Out Their Mistake or Repeat Your Boundary. Simple. Not easy but not complicated.
A few final tips:
Don’t say “yes” if you want to say “no”. An unwanted “yes” creates stress, takes away opportunities and increases time management struggles. Conversely, a “no” mitigates all of those while gifting someone else the opportunity to reply with “yes”.
Don’t say “maybe” if you want to say “no”. “Maybe” leaves the door open. It implies options. That you’re open to negotiation. “Maybe” can also be seen by certain people (abusers, predators) as added ammunition for their coercion…or even to break you down. “Maybe” implies possibility and future opportunity.
I have spent twenty years working with women on healthy relationships. One of the biggest things I’ve learned is the importance of sticky boundaries. You become resentful, stress faster and more quick to anger with boundaries that don’t stick. Stop being that person. Sticky boundaries help you feel satisfied, valued and respected. They take care of you. Caring for ourselves is one piece most of us do need more training on!
Elizabeth M. Johnson MA is a writer and podcaster based in Durham, North Carolina. She writes about trauma, relationships and how we make decisions. Sign up for her Substack here or be social @EMJWriting.