Dumb, Da, Dumb, Dumb...

Or The Further Misadventures of Elizabeth in Berlin.

I bet you your drink of choice that 90% of what you do on a regular basis you could do blind-folded.

• Your route to work, kid's school, church or volunteer gig.

• Grocery shopping, other shopping.

• The method by which you tackle household chores.

• When and where you walk the dog(s).

I'd also bet the same person does your hair, nails, both. You see the same dentist and car mechanic.

Your routine and habits -- unless you're on vacation or traveling--are on auto pilot for the bulk of your day. Mine were too. Then my family and I moved to Berlin for a year. When I arrived, I've needed to find a new routine for all the things (shopping, writing, exercise, nails) but also translate those new things from German to English. Suddenly, I no longer had habits, I had dumb mistakes. I was dumb struck and dumbfounded.

Here in Berlin I've learned even time can make me dumb. I've arrived late because a 24 hour clock is used here, 14:00 not 2:00 pm. Somehow I know 20:00 is 8:00 pm but other than that I need to make some quick math. Once, my manicure was canceled because in addition to the 24 hour clock, Germany puts the date first, not the month. This is done in online systems and everywhere else. I'd no-showed and been canceled because I entered the date wrong. This when my nails were May 2020 level of terrible. It was...bad.

To go to anywhere other than a few grocery stores, I also need to figure out logistics: when I have to leave, how to get there and how to get back. Our car is in Durham (thank you Laurette!) so the first step is walk, bus or light rail. Which one makes the most sense and takes the least time. That's where dumb, especially in the early days, came in. Wrong direction. Dumb mistake. Waiting on a bus that doesn't arrive. A missed connection. Dumbfounded. A few times the city bus ended at a stop other than the one I'd planned on! Sometimes, even if the first step of a journey went smoothly, connecting public transit would be canceled. It was maddening.

Ubahn (subway) car headed out of Rathaus Spandau stop

I've paid with a ten Euro note because I didn't understand what coins were needed. Siebzig and sechzig sound a little too similar. Left a cafe with a cheerful "ciao!" instead of "tschuss". Just last week my family and I headed to a tour I'd booked only to realize that it was actually for the following Sunday. One sunny afternoon, I repeated "bitte, bitte*" to a woman who wanted the seat opposite me only to realize, after another woman jumped in, that my shopping bag was on said seat. That's why the first woman didn't sit down. Not only dumb but like a self-absorbed American.

Part of the stupid feeling comes from not speaking German. If I spoke the language, I'd know better and not make these mistakes. Then I talk to my German husband. He reminds me that sometimes, things just happen. 24/7/365 service all over a city of 3.7 million people means SBahn and UBahn trains will break down or simply not run. A major event like a protest or a marathon will cause delays. It's not just me. But what I've noticed also helps is a reminder and a re-frame:

The reminder is if I wanted habit, if what mattered was routine, then I should have stayed in Durham. The re-frame is this: imagine dumb (or stupid) as surprising instead.

The reminder and the reframe work because they appeal to who I want to be. Someone who is up for adventure. Who isn't frazzled by a change in plan. I want to be someone who gets surprised. Someone for whom a new bus stop can be an opportunity. But if I want surprise in my life, I need to not only try something different but roll with the dominoes even if I trip over the first.

Dumb mistake that turned out lucky…winding up on Audre Lorde Strasse!

My re-frame won't always work. It's hard to imagine a commuting mishap as surprise if it costs you a job interview. Time of course, isn't always ours to manage. But this year in Berlin, I'm on my own schedule more than I've been since getting married and having a child. It's a privilege I'm incredibly grateful for. Space is carved out for writing, exploration and learning. Which means there is also room, if I permit it, for dumb lapses.

...which is a good thing because I'm headed to the American library here in Berlin next week. And this time, I'll remember to put my shopping bag at my feet, instead of the opposite seat.

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*A word like "prego" in Italian that has multiple meanings: "please", "request", "help yourself”

Psst——> want a postcard (written in English, albeit in my messy writing) sent to you from Berlin? DM me your mailing address!

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What I’m Reading:

(hold on to your hat….this list covers a range!)

A screenshot of Strega Nona.

• (article) “It’s Strega Nona September on TikTok!” At almost 50 years old Tomie de Paola’s Strega Nona is getting some fresh love. I’m here for this grandma witch.

• (memoir) The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch. Yuknavitch covers sexuality, abuse and grief in this searing, fierce 2011 memoir. This is another one that I listened to for 30 minutes and had to buy. So I’m very early on in it but already rocked by Yukavitch’s grim humor, her unboundedness and frank, clear as a bell language. Head to the link below for her TedTalk.

• (fiction) All This Could be Yours by

  Jami Attenberg
  . As someone who’s returned to fiction just in the past three-ish years, there’s a lot I’m catching up on. But because I’m in Berlin for the year with limited space, I’ve been tackling audio versions. Up next, after The Middlesteins which I just finished, (EXCELLENT!) is All This Could Be Yours. New Orleans, an a**hole of a family patriarch and hidden personal histories. Dysfunctional families…I’ll take them every time.

• (nonfiction). Behind The Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo. First thing going for this gem is it isn’t 700 pages. 700 pages isn’t a bad thing but a lot of my books this year have been really long so this one is a lovely break. Also: 2012? Also: nonfiction? (I didn’t realize!) The story of endearing and troubled characters in a slum near an airport in Mumbai written by a white woman? It works! Author commentary in her own words at the end of the audio? Yes! What I’m saying is there is a great deal about this book that caught me off guard in the best possible way. Pick this one up if you missed it in 2012.

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Recommended Links:

• VOTING! If you have moved, not voted recently or are perhaps unsure if you are registered, you can head to this website to find out. It’ll take under a minute.

one of seven pages of instruction sent to me with my absentee ballot!

• Hurricane Helene relief. The people in the Western part of my home state of North Carolina are dealing with what our governor Roy Cooper says is an unprecedented level of damage and destruction. 460,000 people are without power and of course Florida and Tennessee are also managing widespread devastation. If you have a few dollars to spare, please join me in giving to any of these organizations:

  • Click here to donate to the United Way of Asheville and Buncombe County.

  • Click here to donate to Friends of Pack Library, the main branch of the Buncombe County’s public library system in Asheville. Pack Library has been providing power and wifi to many residents.

  • Click here to donate to MANNA FoodBank which serves Western North Carolina.

  • Please feel free to add other links in the comments for Helene-affected areas closer to you that need support. Thank you!

• It’s common for sexual abuse survivors to imagine they shouldn’t be there, that they don’t belong. If that feels like it might ever have been you, watch Lidia Yuknavitch (survivor and author) in this TedTalk on being the misfit. I don’t love that word because the unsettledness of not fitting in isn’t always our fault. But I do love Yukavitch’s messages including “we are nothing without each other,” and “you have the ability to reinvent yourself endlessly”. Mmmm, yes.

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