Cousins in the Shop
Understanding the Difference Between Anxiety and Intuition
An earlier version of this essay was published in March 2021.
There were two contented ladies in the boutique and I was setting up outfits for photos when R walked in. I knew her slightly. She lived nearby and stopped in occasionally. I was sixteen when my work in service (a gourmet grocery) started and despite the years, I still dislike small talk. So as the other ladies discussed bamboo pajamas in the dressing room, R flitted from rounder to table to rack. It was after they left and R, too, with her small purchase, that I noticed the necklace was gone.
"I love the idea of listening more to my intuition. But how do I know when it's my intuition talking or when it's my anxiety?" said Jessica to me in a DM when she saw me talking on Instagram about intuition as a muscle you can use.
Involuntary muscles are ones that do their job without our control, like the heart. There isn't effort that we need to put forth in order for our heart to show up and do its job. That's true for intuition too. Intuition slips in when it wants, does its thing by sending you a feeling message and then heads out. Not a voice but a vibe. Whether or not you listen to it is up to you. Anxiety, its loud cousin, is the opposite of subtle. It's noisy and primal, not a voice either but a howl. The largesse of anxiety makes it hard to ignore or look away.
I retraced my steps, searching for a heavy gold plated statement necklace. A fruitless performative gesture. I knew it wasn't anywhere in the shop. I hadn't been paying attention earlier but now I was. Low utterances and lack of projection is part of intuition's make-up, I recognized her vibe. The necklace had been snatched up by R. I had foolishly left it laying on the outfit and she had taken it. I knew it like I knew my own name. I felt it.
photo credit: Joeyy Lee via Unsplash
Tense is also a clear area of difference between anxiety and intuition. Intuition is present focused i.e. “She Took The Necklace” not “I'm Going To Be Fired”. Worries about the future are Cousin Anxiety: what dire occurrence(s) feel imminent. Intuition’s feeling message can be upsetting (or exciting, validating, etc.) in the moment. But whatever it is, the feeling doesn't take over. Anxiety, on the other hand, never feels good and is exhaustingly all-consuming.
Anxiety: the unending worry that I have Covid every time I experience joint pain, have a tickle in my throat, feel warm or am bone tired.
Intuition: the sense that I can make it from position A30 in the SW line-up to the Starbucks twenty feet away and back so I can board on time.
My co-worker walks in the shop late, caught up at a doctor's appointment. She's shocked when I tell her about the missing necklace, surprised when I tell her R took it. I have no proof except intuition's feeling message and now I feel foolish relaying my thoughts. That's a dubious characteristic of intuition. Her brilliance fades fast when confronted with the rational world, a place that likes facts, proof and tight reasoning. I imagined telling my boss about R taking the necklace and my face felt hot.
One thing I've learned over decades in retail is people who steal like to touch things. Fingers constantly caressing, they're almost obsessively tactile. But that day I was distracted and didn't much notice R's chatter and busy hands. I did but I didn't. That’s the enigmatic nature of intuition. We're misled into thinking that it's inconsistent or untrustworthy (and therefore worthless) but we're the unreliable ones. Impatience, busyness and fatigue means we are seldom capable of paying close attention to anything that isn't a dopamine hit.
When my boss walked in, anxiety about a fast dismissal had replaced my bolt of intuition. I was also partially to blame, leaving an expensive piece of jewelry lying around. Glumly, I relayed what I knew had happened, and what I thought had happened. My story sounded ridiculous and also unfair. I picked at my nails and waited for the ax to fall.
"I'm sure you're right," she said after I finished. "There have been other issues with her."
"There have?" I asked after a moment. "I didn't know that."
"Yes," she said and the words landed like a dove at my feet.
Of course, intuition isn't really a muscle.
Yes, we can decide to listen to its fleeting message, to choose to use it. But since I wrote those words, intuition has started to feel more like a tool, a quiver actually, than soft tissue. A quiver that holds only one arrow at a time. The good news is that the arrow is perfect: pointed, sharp and pure. The bad news is that there's only one. If you aren't paying attention, you miss it. If you are focused on reason, you miss it. If you stuff your feelings, you'll miss it.
As I keep re-imagining intuition, I wonder too if, with its flashes of feeling that glimmer knowledge, it isn't a bit contagious? A boss sees you trust yours and that helps her trust hers. Because of course Jessica's question isn't about intuition vs anxiety at all. It's about trust. How can we trust ourselves better? To get there, we need support, reassurance and tools. Intuition is a good tool with which to start.
What’s On My Mind:
Is it perimenopause? The pandemic? Travel, the high heat or stress? It’s tiring to be constantly wondering about body feelings i.e. pressure headaches, joint pain, bone weary fatigue, etc. [Someone say the headaches are allergy related…in July? Okay, I guess? But for me, allergies are rooted in perimenopause. I didn’t have any allergies until my early 40’s.] What helps is repeatedly asking myself if what I am feeling is new or different. That helps but damn, all of this is EXHAUSTING. Anyone else?
Finishing up Oliver Burkeman’s game changer book, Four Thousand Weeks on vacation last week got me thinking about time. Burkeman reminds readers that no matter how many productivity hacks they learn and incorporate into their life, they will never be able to do everything they want to do. Acceptance of that concept can help you stay in the moment and move away from fear of missing something to joy at simply being in the moment. Over vacation I tried to keep reminding myself that “all I have is right now,” as a way to stay present and not be too focused on when vacation ends. That’s different and slippery for someone who is usually in countdown mode i.e. me. Working on it.
What I’m Reading & Loving:
I’m keeping it light and airy right now as I recover from the no humidity and sweatshirt mornings of Santa Monica to 95% humidity, braless and sleeveless here in Durham.
In 1995, Mary Karr brought her East Texas uncertain and frenzied childhood to outsiders in a way that I hadn’t seen at the time in a book that was “true”. The book was The Liar’s Club, one of the first memoirs I ever read. The chaos resonated and stuck with me. Karr reigns on with others too, apparently. This essay in The Bitter Southerner by Clinton Colmenares talks about Karr’s influence of Karr in his world and work. Thoughtful, sometimes angry, but solid writing about the powerful impact of a relative stranger on your life.
The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer. Wolitzer’s tenth book tracks a group of friends from their mid-teens at camp in the 1970’s Berkshire Hills through their early 50’s in New York City. I’m a big fan of the long, deep read: books that feel like a saga, where you can see characters change ( or not) over time. Not new (2013) but a solid “yes” from me. Let me know if you have anything else from Wolitzer to read!
Simple perfect, tight prose (Honorée Fannon Jeffers) combines with simple, perfect tender photos in Almost Home, in Harpers. A lovely summer read full of clean lines, nostalgia for local peaches and good family memories.