"But how do I know?"

Three Tips to Determine Whether Someone Can Be Trusted

Jun 22, 2022

Two weeks ago, I talked about trust and how hard it can be to trust in systems that are set up to sow discord among us. I also shared this gem, “when it comes to trust, the who matters more than the what.”. This week, I’m talking more about that who. Specifically how you can figure out who you can trust. Let me know what you think.

One of my core values is Community. I define Community as a group of people that influence how you think, act and live. Community includes Facebook (and other social media) "friends", right people, right relationships, family, colleagues and professional connections, church and volunteer folks. Because Community is so large, however, it's important that your right people, right relationship be the louder voices. Most of us can agree on this but get stuck on how to make it happen. Specifically, how do we know who to trust? Relationship red flags are one thing. But what actions can you take to determine if someone is trustworthy?

The person who is asking, "how do I know if I can trust someone?" is really asking "will I be safe - both physically and emotionally - with this person?". When we don't feel safe, we sometimes engage in behaviors that get in the way of us building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Behaviors like:

• inconsistent or non-sticky boundaries

• superficiality

• passive aggression

• an inability to relax

• a lack of investment in relationships

Another common behavior is agreeing with someone in hopes of appeasing them. Offering a "yes" can feel safe and give the speaker the illusion of control. When you say "yes" you know what to expect, what to do and what is expected of you. You may believe that you're not risking danger or anyone's anger.

So how can you be sure someone is safe?

You can't. There is nothing you can ever do that will 100% guarantee you will be safe around someone else. But there are three ways (TIP) you can determine whether someone can be trusted.

TEST someone.
Your "something vulnerable" is a vulnerability statement. A vulnerability statement is a sentence that is true and feels brave to say. It doesn't have to be trauma-related. It just needs to be true for you and feel brave to say out loud to someone else e.g. "I really hate my job," or "my brother has a drinking problem," or "we're thinking of changing schools."
INTUITION. (Listen to it). Intuition is the internal voice that, among other things, helps you know who to trust. One way to practice listening to your intuition is to pay attention to how you feel when you're with someone. Are you relaxing, tensing or holding your breath? What/how do you feel when they talk? Dark emotions (fear, anger, sadness, shame) can be warning signs your intuition is offering you about this person.
PACE yourself. One of the best, most under-utilized trust building tools is time. A core component of quality relationships is the willingness to put in the hours and energy for the benefit of both people. If you were to say "can we slow down?", "I think we need to see a therapist" or postpone a coffee date, how would the other person receive your words? If you would hesitate asking because of what they would say or how you'd be made to feel, that's a warning sign.

Something else to consider when you ask "how do I know if I can trust someone?" is blame. Many survivors blame themselves for their trauma. As part of this narrative, they often connect their mistakes or character "deficiencies" with what happened to them:

"If I hadn't been raped, I would be a better judge of character,"

"I wouldn't think this way if my first relationship hadn't been abusive,"

This kind of thinking is normal, meaning common or understandable but the reasoning is not sound. Here's why.

First: you never learn in school, or from your family of origin, how to trust someone. That includes what trust sounds, looks and feels like. Since trust isn't something you're taught, you cannot be blamed if you don't know how to do it...or if you end up trusting someone you shouldn't. Second: you live and work within a white supremacist capitalist patriarchy. In an oppressive system, violence is seen as an acceptable means to an end. Because of this, survivors of violence are seldom protected, offered accountability or able to find justice for what happened to them, should they desire that path. Third: no matter what happened to you, when or who was involved, the hurt you experienced by someone else is their responsibility. Violence is a choice they chose which means it's never your fault. No matter what.

Trauma affects people in different ways. Something that is true for everyone, however, is that trauma always affects trust. But that doesn't mean there's something is wrong with you. Actually, it's just the opposite. When you know that trust is a challenge and are curious what you can do to be smarter about who you trust, you're in a better place to find right people, right relationships in your Community. If you're more likely to take time to identify those people, you might also be more interested in making them the louder voices of influence in your life.

*I believe everyone is a trauma survivor. Whether they are a survivor of inter-personal trauma like contact sexual abuse (1 in 3 women) or simply a survivor of the trauma of living under a white supremacist, capitalist patriarchy.

What’s On My Mind:

I’m kind of obsessed with things that happened in 1973, the year that I was born. So when I saw this piece, I had to dive in. It’s a fascinating look at a radical political statement made at a time when such a stance was rare.
I have talked before about how toxic individualism affects our relationships but this article in Dame takes it to a whole other level. "This is the inevitable result of American individualism: a louder, meaner, fuck-you Americanism that isn’t just about bootstrapping yourself, but about burning your neighbors’ boots."
My friend Dr Beverly Gray and her Duke colleague talk on WUNC Tested podcast here about what healthcare without abortion access looks like. 17 min and well worth every second.

What I’m Reading and Loving:

The Buddha in The Attic by Julie Otsuka. Otsuka’s pose is a perfectly chlorinated pool that you can’t help dive into, despite not knowing the temperature of the water. Early 1900’s mail order brides from Japan headed to San Francisco where things are not as they were given to expect.
True Biz by Sara Novic. True Biz” means “really?” or “real talk” in slang ASL. This novel kept me on my toes, turning pages and introducing me to the foreign world of what it means to be deaf. It’s fascinating and hard all at once. I couldn’t help pick up on parallels between what would make Eyeth (an idealized earth) better, safer for non-hearing folks and how a trauma history impacts how safe, accessible and open the world can feel for survivors of violence. Terrific read.

What are you reading and loving? Tell me!

Beginning Where You Are

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